I spent another great week at university last week. Before I left on the Sunday night, I put my daughter down for a nap and did a little ‘holding my heart ritual’ that I described on Facebook. It really set me up for the week – especially as our module was on ‘Positive Relationships’. I missed my little girl all week, but knew she was happy and well looked after when she said “NO Mummy, Busy” overtime I tried to FaceTime her!

Learning about how relationships thrive was fascinating. I’m not just talking about those smoochy romantic ones, but simple connection with another human.

Have you ever really considered how your emotions are affected by others?

Think about the last time you were totally over the moon, or completely crushed… I’ll bet a reasonable amount of dosh – they involve at least one other person. These are the emotions we feel most intensely.

Matthew Leiberman in his book ‘Social’ literally tells us that we are wired to connect. It’s not just food, water and shelter that we need to survive, it’s human contact – think about a baby – they cannot actually survive without another human providing them with their basic needs. So in essence, the moment we are born – we need to be social.

I won’t bore you with too much of the scientific stuff, but in his research, Lieberman and his team (although not wholly ethical in this day and age)

discovered that a certain area of the brain ‘lights up’ (simplified scientific term!) when we suffer physical pain as we’d expect but it also lit up like a Christmas tree when we suffer from social pain. So there is meaning behind the saying ‘dying of a broken heart’ – it can genuinely  hurt.

Robert Walldinger is the current Director of the longest study of what keeps people happy and healthy – The Harvard Study of Adult Development. They’ve studied two groups of men since they were 17 years old and some are now still with us and over 90 years old. What they categorically discovered is that:

Those who have great connection to their family, friends and community are happier, physically healthier and live longer than those who are isolated.

Not the number of friends you have or whether or not you’re in love. The friendships that you do have need to be built on strong stuff and be nurtured.

Those who were in relationships they could really count on – kept hold of their memories longer.

Well, for me the profound effect was to strip Facebook of anyone I didn’t really know. Delete it from my phone and concentrate on the people I could actually physically touch for a while. Having a strong base of family and friends around me is now a priority. Nurturing those relationships is the next. Really listening, understanding what my friends need and want and helping to build bonds that will last a lifetime.

Sometimes I think we forget how much of an effect others have on us and we on them. Our emotions are linked to the way others feel, whether we feel rejected or isolated, happy or elated – we have the ability to pass these emotions onto others.

Start thinking small – how can you nurture those connections you have? By the sounds of the science…. it’s not just to brag about your friends list.